The first thing you should know about me is that I’m bad at finding my way. I might even be considered directionally challenged. Unfortunately marriage hasn’t rectified this issue because I’ve realized that keeping my eyes open while traveling with my spouse is completely unnecessary… I mean, unless I’m the one driving. So if you want to be super lazy and helpless like me, you can choose to nap in the car (my preferred activity), read your Kindle, twiddle your thumbs, listen to birds, people watch, and even adjust your makeup. And if you decide to walk instead of drive, just ensure that your hand is securely fitted to his and that he’s guiding the way. Voilà — you’re golden! This method is even flattering to your spouse because it says: “I trust you with my life. Thanks for always looking both ways before crossing the street.” Or something like that.
Problems do arise; however, when your husband is at work and you attempt to find that one grocery store you’ve visited a million times. Maybe opening your eyes would have been a good idea after all.
Let’s discuss other ways marriage makes you useless:
1. Backing out of the driveway now confuses you. Because you haven’t driven in weeks, you forget which way to crank the steering wheel when backing up. Well, hmm. Do you turn it to the right or left? Next time you’ll just make your husband drive.
2. You need an entire bottle of wine before even glancing at Ikea furniture instructions. Seriously, what.the.fuck? Has cheap furniture always been this difficult to assemble or were you just a lot smarter in college? Don’t answer that question.
3. You risk your life every time you cross the street. La la la… life is wonderful. So wonderful you don’t even see that large commuter bus making a right turn as you’re trying to cross the street. Did your life flash before your eyes? — ’cause it should have.
4. Your spouse is the only person who can find your keys, cell phone, iPad charger, etc. Sometimes you wonder if he purposely hides your belongings so he can be the hero.
5. You’ve quickly become the worst storyteller ever. You meet a new friend and attempt to tell a funny travel story, but without your husband chiming in with interesting facts and hilarious happenings, your stories are dull. Even duller than all of those Facebook “Look Back” videos littering your newsfeed… still.
6. Opening jars is impossible. Enough said.
Has marriage made you useless?
Filed Under: Lifestyle, Marriage