marriage makes you useless

The first thing you should know about me is that I’m bad at finding my way. I might even be considered directionally challenged. Unfortunately marriage hasn’t rectified this issue because I’ve realized that keeping my eyes open while traveling with my spouse is completely unnecessary… I mean, unless I’m the one driving. So if you want to be super lazy and helpless like me, you can choose to nap in the car (my preferred activity), read your Kindle, twiddle your thumbs, listen to birds, people watch, and even adjust your makeup. And if you decide to walk instead of drive, just ensure that your hand is securely fitted to his and that he’s guiding the way. Voilà — you’re golden! This method is even flattering to your spouse because it says: “I trust you with my life. Thanks for always looking both ways before crossing the street.” Or something like that.

Problems do arise; however, when your husband is at work and you attempt to find that one grocery store you’ve visited a million times. Maybe opening your eyes would have been a good idea after all.

Marriage Makes You Useless

Let’s discuss other ways marriage makes you useless:

1. Backing out of the driveway now confuses you. Because you haven’t driven in weeks, you forget which way to crank the steering wheel when backing up. Well, hmm. Do you turn it to the right or left? Next time you’ll just make your husband drive.

2. You need an entire bottle of wine before even glancing at Ikea furniture instructions. Seriously, what.the.fuck? Has cheap furniture always been this difficult to assemble or were you just a lot smarter in college? Don’t answer that question.

3. You risk your life every time you cross the street. La la la… life is wonderful. So wonderful you don’t even see that large commuter bus making a right turn as you’re trying to cross the street. Did your life flash before your eyes? — ’cause it should have.

4. Your spouse is the only person who can find your keys, cell phone, iPad charger, etc. Sometimes you wonder if he purposely hides your belongings so he can be the hero.

5. You’ve quickly become the worst storyteller ever. You meet a new friend and attempt to tell a funny travel story, but without your husband chiming in with interesting facts and hilarious happenings, your stories are dull. Even duller than all of those Facebook “Look Back” videos littering your newsfeed… still.

6. Opening jars is impossible. Enough said.

Has marriage made you useless?


Filed Under: Lifestyle, Marriage40 Comments
  • Jenn@NearandFarMontana

    Ha love this! Boyfriend and I aren’t married yet, but it’s being discussed and we bought a house together so we’re in it for keeps. He does the laundry and cooks and cleans most days. I was never a great cook, but managed on my own for 29 years or so and now it’s like I forgot how to function in the kitchen entirely. He has a system for laundry that I still haven’t mastered so I just shove everything in one load if he isn’t looking. He does most of the grocery shopping too and I just tag along sometimes. Luckily, there’s no Ikea in Montana, otherwise, I’d probably need two bottles of wine to put anything together. The last time I did, I remember smiling stick figures as the last step in the instructions, but I was most certainly not smiling at the end. Pretty sure I was screaming at the stick figures.

  • Amanda

    Ok, number 5? I used to be SO GOOD at telling stories! Now I suck. :( Also, HE’s the one that always loses everything. I swear he never even looks for it before he asks me: “hey do you know where ____ is?”

    Also, my husband has taken out the trash and recycled for the past 2 years. I’m not even sure I can do it right if I even tried. This is my ‘marriage makes me useless’ confession. I’m not ashamed.

  • Sarah

    Oh boy, I can relate to every word of this. The sad thing is in my 20’s I used to own more tools than any of the guys I dated and was proud that I could fix mechanical problems and build actual furniture! Then I met my husband who is infinitely capable in these realms and along the way he felt so good about doing things ‘for me’, who was I to be a feminist and stick up that I could wield the power tools just as well as he could? The only problem is that he goes to work – leaving me alone for a month at a time and it is up to me to hold up the household, dogs, mowing/plowing, cleaning, appliances, vehicles, etc (not to mention feeding myself every day!). I felt like I had to learn everything independently again! I actually think one of the reasons he loved me initially was that I was so capable to handle things on my own, which is very important for our lifestyle. I think I fooled him! When he left 2 months ago after having renovated our kitchen completely by himself while I was at work, he said, ‘sorry I didn’t get the trim up, I guess you’ll have to wait for me to get back next month’. I told him I was perfectly capable and sweetly he reminded me, I’d have to use the radial arm chop saw… and measure ALL of the angles! Well, I did. And I was *very* proud of myself. Now if I can just drive anywhere alone without getting completely lost!

  • kim @ AmovingStory

    So totally true. My husband is my babysitter more than half of the time. As for Ikea, I love it, but honestly, if you don’t drink the wine first, so much swearing will ensure, that it’s really not healthy. #funny post today!

  • Madi @ And So I Did

    What’s funny is Jake and I are reversed… haha! He couldn’t get out of the house daily if he didn’t ask me where something was. *sigh*

  • Erin Ortiz

    Yep, haha! My husband does all of the cooking and most of the cleaning. I am in charge of the finances and do a small amount of cleaning. Oops :)

  • KC Saling

    Oh, this is so true. My husband and I used to be fully self-actualized, independent, functioning human beings. When we were dating, we were at the top of our respective games. And then marriage happened. I am no longer able to navigate the car without a backseat driver guiding my turns or remember where I put anything in the house, and I don’t think he has any idea what our bills, bank account, or travel schedule look like.

  • Kaelene Spence

    Haha so true, why is it that the spouses seem to be the only ones to find your keys!

  • Whitney Morris

    This is so comical! I can relate to a few of these things :)

  • Carla Louise

    HAHAH! I’m really bad with directions too! #5 is me, all the way! I’m the worst storyteller ever, and hubby always comes in to make the story much better. “Oh ya, forgot about that part!”

  • thediynurse

    Ha! This is too funny. It’s amazing what abilities you lose and which ones you gain. I’m sure he relies on you plenty!

  • Jamie

    I’m not even married yet & all of these are true for me. Especially the driving part & the opening up the jar part!

  • Asia @ The Cracked Lens

    lol! I hope I can still manage to be useful in a few years

  • Anna Belle

    This is true! Although my husband and I have many of the roles reversed – I do all the car stuff, repairs, directions, and he is our cook (I got the good end of that deal!). I’m also the driver in the US, so he’s not completely sure how to get anywhere (but he just takes the bus, so it’s not a problem)! Funniest moment was when I was traveling for work and he called because he wanted to do laundry, but didn’t know where the apartment building’s laundry room was!! (To be sure, we hadn’t lived there too long…)

  • Leah S.

    AHHA Yes, I am useless with and without my husband. He says he loves doing everything for me, so when he’s gone (and not around to cook), its breakfast for dinner!

  • olivia

    HAHAHA!! This is so true! You realize you are a useless human when they’re not around. lol Thanks for your sense of humor.

  • Jenn

    Hahaha Ikea is the worst! You need an engineering degree to figure that shit out! And I am forever losing my keys and for some reason, Josh always finds them

  • Jessica Emerson

    Haha oh man! I’m not married yet, but my fiance drove me around for a whole month in December and yeah, I almost couldn’t remember how to park my car. Yeesh! Also, I’ve stopped buying jarred goods…forever.

  • Cece

    I am definitely technologically useless. I rely on him to figure all that stuff out. I suck at that stuff in general but if I tried I might be able to figure something out on my own.

  • Sarah McCoy

    This is the truest marriage post I’ve ever seen! I’m completely useless without my significant other!

  • Lisa

    I completely agree, I’ve always been ‘directionally challenged’ but it has reached new heights since I got married and don’t need to pay attention from the passengers’ seat. I mean, that’s when I get caught up on all of my social media!

  • Tenns Reid

    In many ways yes! Although, I think my hubs is just a dependent on me if not more. I’m always the one finding the keys and remembering everything. I will say when it comes to the cars or technology, I’m pretty useless…thank goodness for him in that regard. Also, when it comes to parenting, we usually swap out when/if we get overwhelmed.

  • Kim

    So true! The things I can’t seem to remember how to do anymore! However, I agree that he is dependent on me as well… Guess it’s normal, but you do get into your comfort zone and sometimes stop growing!

    Just finding your blog! Love it. Have a good week!

  • SweetTeaMob

    Great post! My boyfriend is like an alarm clock, reminder list, and handyman rolled into one! Now that we work in different locations (and at different times), I’m realizing how much I depended on his reminders!

  • Anna

    Yup! Especially the getting lost thing. I just keep on following and then one day I have to go on my own and…oh. right. which way? Thank goodness for my fiance replacement: google maps.

  • Megan

    Oh my goodness, yes. This is so true for me too! Especially since we’re living in France (where my husband is from) it’s just natural for him to take the lead since I am completely out of my element here, and I don’t really object. Cute post! :)

  • Ashley Angle

    Love this post. I have the same problems. #marriedpeopleproblems
    ~Ashley @ A Cute Angle

  • Isar Prinzessin

    I just discovered your blog and totally love it. You are such a good photographer.
    Hi from Munich!
    Kitty xx

  • Jessa Olson

    I completely agree with you about hiding stuff. I didn’t put my charger there. I think we are on to them. I rarely drive too, and I get confused everytime I drive like I am 16 again.

  • Destiny Barker

    So true! I’m not even married yet but just living together has made me pretty useless in some areas! Reaching things up high, finding directions to anywhere, settling up any and all technology… I can’t even begin to try to do some things because I’m used to depending on him to do it!

  • Rachel G

    haha…with us, I’m the only one who can find stuff/know where stuff is around the house…but it’s true that when he’s home I don’t open jars (when he’s gone I have the rubber gripper that works just as well as a husband when it comes to jars)….and I often go weeks without driving….

  • Ech

    #3…all the time. My husband is constantly stopping me before I get hit. I don’t get it! This was NEVER a problem before I got married.

  • Chelsea @ Lost in Travels

    i really felt this when one of my girlfriends started asking me about things in korea. like how do you transfer money back home? ask jeremy. how did you get your cable set up, what airline are you flying with, how do you get to such and such place. ask jeremy, ask jeremy, ask jeremy!
    over the past three years we’ve settled into our undefined ‘roles’ of marriage. and as much as i feel that i do, it’s made me so useless in a bunch of other things!

  • Molly @ The Move to America

    Ahh, yes to all of these! Hubby has to hold my hand like a child when crossing the road as I always look the wrong way, and really have terrible observation skills at this point (no idea why)! :-D

  • adventuresofalondonkiwi

    It’s really funny because my Husband and I are totally the opposite – I’m like a homing pigeon even if I’ve never been there before following gut instinct, love putting together ikea stuff, have a running inventory of stuff in my head and am pretty good at telling stories (sober that is…). However he is a wonderful sick-nurse, house tidier and amazing at opening bottles.

    • Cheri Armour

      Totally agree with you! I’m not marrying my sweetie til August, but this is exactly how I feel!

  • Chelsea

    This is so spot on!

  • Aubry Stewart

    I feel like this is going to be me when I get married. I’d much rather NOT be the adult in the situation and have to figure out where I am going. I have no clue what I ever did before I had my smartphone for directions. And I always have to work really hard to be interesting at all to anyone. Thanks for giving me a chuckle tonight! I’ve really enjoyed your blog!


  • Fran

    #6 – my life! I barely even try anymore haha

  • Sara Louise

    Most of these apply to me as well! In France, I basically sat back and let my husband steer the ship. I figured since he was the French one, he’d be better at it. Now that he’ll be joining me in the US soon, I’m thinking about taking the wheel for a bit. It’s his turn to nap :)