why i chose my husband over my friends

Why I Chose My Husband Over My Friends

Like many newlyweds, my husband and I had a rocky start and made mistakes in the beginning. This was exaggerated by our move abroad and move back to the States because the constant stress of packing up our lives and being away from family and friends made it difficult to find our groove. Eventually we figured things out, but some of the mistakes I made early on impacted my relationship with other people in my life. I have struggled with this for the past year or so.

Before I explain, let me just say that my husband is my best friend and partner in crime. When we stood at the altar in 2011 and repeated our vows to one another, we both promised to put each other before anyone else. We decided that we would have a date night every week, that we would do activities as a couple, and that we would help each other achieve our individual goals. Not only would we cherish each other, but we would be each other’s biggest life cheerleaders. This was important to us because we wanted to maintain a healthy and fulfilling marriage. And that is why these mistakes and this particular situation is so upsetting.

My big mistake? Venting to my friends about my husband. Seems innocent enough, right? That’s what I thought, too. I didn’t think anything of it because the issues were insignificant and usually centered around B getting annoyed with my penchant for overpriced drinks at Starbucks. I told my friends these stories in a sarcastic manner and tried to be funny, but little did I know, they would take these stories to heart and use them against my husband at a later date.

At the beginning of the year, I remember trying to plan a girl’s trip over the phone and by the end of the call, I wanted to cry to my husband and mom. Instead of planning fun activities, the conversation had somehow shifted into why I was becoming a boring friend. Because I no longer went out and partied every weekend, I was being made fun of. And because I spent so much time with my husband, I was weird and didn’t have my own life. I tried to explain that it was difficult to meet people because we were moving around every 6 months and I wasn’t working, but they didn’t seem to understand. Plus, I liked spending time with my husband! I was no longer interested in drinking and clubbing, I enjoyed cooking with B and watching our favorite shows, plus we both enjoyed fostering dogs. I tried to brush it off.

A couple of weeks later, we drove a few hours away for our girl’s weekend. I remember being miserable during the drive to this city because my two friends were constantly taking digs at me… I did this wrongI did that wrong. These people who were supposed to be my best friends made fun of me the entire time. I spent the drive either texting B in the backseat or driving the car while listening to music. I wanted to go home.

While we were having lunch a day or so later, I couldn’t contain the feelings bubbling up inside of me. I asked them why they were being passive aggressive and it all came out. They wanted to know if I was really happy in my relationship because B seemed controlling. My husband wasn’t accommodating enough and didn’t act excited to see them, etc. I didn’t understand this because B had been working the entire time, but I shrugged it off. My other friend told me, again, that I was weird for not having my own life. I spent way too much time with B and needed my own hobbies. I tried to explain that this is what happens when you get married, and she claimed that I was rubbing it in her face because I was married and she was not. She then told me that she had different priorities and was more interested in advancing her career, in a tone was completely condescending. I couldn’t defend my marriage, but she could talk about her ca-reer? I moved to DC on my own right out of college, and I had a great career on Capitol Hill. I had no problem being independent so it was hilarious to hear passive aggressive comments like, “Well, I just don’t need a man to be happy”. Yes, my husband makes me happy. Why does that matter?

The attacks continued and they both brought up that I didn’t spend enough time with the friend who lived near me, even though I had hosted Thanksgiving dinner for her and her friend, completed a race with her, cooked her dinner when she got a promotion, met her for yoga once a week, taken Christmas photos for her, and gone out with her. We had only been in the States for four months and I was already failing.

They talked about each other being so brave for advancing in their careers and for my one friend moving out of state, yet I was the needy girl hanging on to my husband. I didn’t get any support. Ever. Long story short, that trip ruined my relationship with them. Even though we attempted to smooth things over, everything changed for me. I realized I was a punching bag and that there was a double standard.

After not communicating with these friends for months and months, I reached out last week. I’m not sure what will happen in 2014, but I do know this… I’m much happier when surrounded by positivity. 2014 is going to be my family’s year.

And that’s why I chose my husband over my friends.

Have you ever been put in this difficult situation?


Filed Under: Lifestyle, Marriage78 Comments
  • http://amberlyandjoe.blogspot.com/ Amberly

    I love this! And it actually made me think about the times when I’ve vented to my mom or my friends about my husband. I think we all need one person that we can vent to, so the anger doesn’t just build up and they can help us look at situations rationally, but they have to be a very good friend who knows you both very well so that they won’t take sides and will just understand that everyone goes through those rough patches.
    I hope things go well with your friends in 2014! It’s hard to be in a different stage of life than everyone else, I’m just a stage behind everyone ;) A lot of my friends have at least one kid, maybe two and I hear all the time how much better life is with them in it. Thanks for this amazing post!

  • Julia Kennedy

    It’s super difficult to find those certain people who you can vent to without it effecting other relationships negatively. I definitely struggled with this and my last boyfriend, attempting to balance friends and our relationship, and it ended up backfiring similarly to yours. Friends attacked me for not being around and for failing to try harder – but I was always the one to bring the group of friends together, or to have everyone out for dinner, and make sure we were all still connecting. You sound happy! And it isn’t fair to have what seems like real friends, and then have them turn on you when you need them.
    I hope you’ve found new people who can be more selfless when listening to you! It’s a difficult process, but once you find them, it’s worth the wait. Thanks for the honesty in this post – it’s refreshing to get a real, true post.

  • http://www.livinginanotherlanguage.com/ Amanda

    I was just WAITING for this post to come out! I’m so glad you wrote it. I also will aways chose my husband over my friends. Living as an expat (and I’m sure you know this) friends in this are can be very fickle and easily throw you to the side when someone else comes along. I’ve dealt with this time and time again, but my husband is ALWAYS there to comfort me, support me, and encourage me through it all! I do have some amazing friends, but Derik will aways be my #1.

    Ps. If friends don’t make you feel good and dump on you the whole time? Definitely time to move on.

  • Kendra Castillo

    I understand this completely, having lived away from friend and family for years because I chose to go with my husband and finish school together. People dont understand and may never will, but it is always best to choose your husband! Great post

  • http://she-travels.net/ Chantal

    wow, as one of the few single ladies (maybe even the only one) in my group of friends I can NOT relate to your friends. Most of my friends are married, have their own lives and so do I but when we get together we do so because we want to hang out. I never judge them for “spending too much time with their partner” nor do they judge me for “not having a partner” or “travelling so much” we love and respect each other and when we disagree on anything we talk about it in a civil mature manner.

    Very double standard and not understanding from your friends, you got married, decided to spend and live your life together with your husband. That doesn’t mean you don’t want to hang out with them anymore, it just means you have different priorities, and probably the same goes for them, married or not. I know I have other priorities and a different way to live my life, there is no right or wrong, it’s our own life and we get to decide how to live it :)

    Surround yourself with the people you love and give you positivity! Sometimes people change, life changes and that also means parting ways with those that used to be in your life, for various reasons.

    (Sorry about writing an essay here, I could have written more but that’s how I feel, in a nutshell..)

  • http://amiciarai.com/ Amicia Rai

    Wow, talk about friends that aren’t supportive!
    I am a single lady, but even so, I completely agree with everything you said about your marriage. If I do get married one day, I would love it to be with someone who I will consider my best friend, and would be a partner and my support in life. I do not understand why your friends would make any sly remarks about your behavior in your marriage – it’s your FAMILY! Is there anything more important in the world than family?

    I think you have made the right decision to stay with your husband, of course. And I guess that this experience will just be a lesson for the future. People LOVE to talk about others and criticize their lives, so don’t give them the material for talking behind your back. :)

  • http://therococoroamer.blogspot.com/ Brittany Ruth

    I guess as we get older and our lives changes we have to accept the fact that the dynamics will change with our friends, especially as expats. Some for the better as you realize that some will go out of their way to keep in touch and want to see you and some for the worse when you realize that some don’t want to make the effort. But it all levels out in the end as you grow out of one friendship and move into another. Another thing you mentioned was that you stopped venting to friends. That is something that I realized a long time ago. If you are constantly complaining about your spouse to friends and family they will always have that negativity in the back of their head because they aren’t getting the chances to “make up” with your husband like you are. If you think about it, it makes sense. If i always hear a friend complaining, no matter if that couple is doing well, i already have a negative thought in my head about them…

  • http://bitsofdays.com/ Zia @ Bits of Days

    I think I’d be as frustrated as you having unsupportive friends! I’m not married but I think since your friends aren’t married they don’t know how it feels like being a married woman, you know? Of course you now have a husband that you spend more time with, and that’s why you have the vow right? Therefore they’re judging you about these things… Let’s what’d happen if they’re themselves married.

  • Ech

    I’m so bummed your friends treated you like that. I think single people don’t always understand how wonderful marriage can be. Our generation seems hell bent on being fiercely independent…sometimes at the cost of everything else. It’s admirable when people aspire to grow professionally, but sad if they can’t see that there are other things (people) to value in life.

  • http://unlockingkiki.com/ Kaelene Spence

    I think being in a relationship and having single friends is always a difficult situation. It is so hard to find a balance where you can be that happily tied down person but still there for your single friends. Bring in moving abroad when all you have is your husband or boyfriend and it makes things even more difficult. I am still working to find the balance between supportive friends and life abroad with my boyfriend, always a difficult situation but I agree with you that it is important to surround yourself with positivity no matter what.

  • http://hemborgwife.wordpress.com/ Bailie @ The Hemborg Wife

    My grandmother told my mom when she got married that when she got mad at my dad not to tell her because my mom would be able to forgive him since she loved him but my grandma would always remember because she loved her daughter first. I always try to remember that when I know talk about my husband, which can be had because living with someone is bound to have times when they drive you bonkers but what helps me is thinking of myself as an ambassador for my husband and he does the same for me.

  • http://www.northernbellediaries.com/ Lisette

    I’m SO HAPPY to finally see this posted!

    I’ve learned that my husband comes first, and even before your biological family. It’s just the way it is, and anyone who cannot understand that needs a reality check. At the end of the day, I share a bed with my husband. If I put him second, would it make sense to sleep in the same room? Absolutely not.

    Your friends have a lot of growing up to do. I just hope it’s sooner rather than later if they want to keep you as a friend. However it sounds like you have (rightfully) moved on.


  • Elizabeth Georgian

    Wow, thank you very much for sharing this personal story. I can relate to your feeling of lack of support from your friends and shock at how mean ‘friends’ can be. I am also starting my marriage off living abroad for my husband’s job and due to this have lost touch with many of my oldest friends. My hope for myself and people in these tricky situations is that we will all make friends with people who are supportive, fun, and understanding.

  • Kate Mothes

    I’m really happy to have read this post, and I’m the fanatically single independent type. Thing is, that’s me, and I know that’s just me, and many of my closest friends, both gals and guys, are married. It brings a whole new set of rules to the table and as the single friend, it’s not my place AT ALL to whine about plans falling through because the wifey or the hubby wants a night in with a movie, let alone if one of the kids has a cold. Obviously they have what I see as the spousal right to overrule me, the friend. I think I see it that way because it’s the way I was raised to understand it, but also because if/when I meet Mr. Right, this is the way I’m going to view our relationship.

    I might be single and career-minded, but I don’t empathize with anyone who finds that route to be superior. I hate the phrase ‘settling down’ because it’s become synonymous with that whole marriage-home–kids-lawnmower thing… as if it’s inferior to advancing a career independently. On a nearly daily basis I consider how nice it would be to have _____, the nameless guy that would be my BFF and partner in crime, but then I also remember why I enjoy not having that… at least right now. Everybody’s on their own path, and friends, no matter what, are not married to you. I think you made a tough, but very wise choice.

    All the best,

    Artsy Abroad // http://artsyabroad.blogspot.com

  • http://www.lattesandpawprints.com/ Stephanie

    I’m a single girl and I totally understand that the husband or wife comes first. I was in a serious relationship years ago and all my friends shunned me for putting him first…but I really thought I would end up marrying him so I made sure he knew he was most important. Now all of my friends are married and I have never said a word about them putting their spouses first because that’s just how it’s supposed to be.

  • Kaity Best

    I’m sorry this happened to you :( All my friends have truly been supportive of my marriage- they know Chuck makes me happy and are happy for me. I love that about them. However, I do have one friend in particular whose primary goal in life was to find a husband before she graduated college. Three years later, she’s still single and I know she’s a little resentful of my relationship. She is never mean, but I know it hurts her and it does make things awkward sometimes.
    I always hated the girls in high school and college who would ditch their friends at the drop of a hat to be with a guy and I swore I would never turn into her. But things change when you’re married. It’s not just any old guy anymore, your husband becomes a part of YOU and your friends should get that :)
    Wishing you a sunny and positive 2014!

  • http://susanneisme.blogspot.nl/ Susanne V.

    Wow, that isn’t fun. Being the punching bag. I think your friends should really ask themselves why they hold being married against you, because the reasons they are telling you just don’t make sense. It’s mean to hold marriage against a friend. Things change and your friends should accept that, and if they can’t… I think you are in your right to choose you husband over your friends.

  • Nadine

    I’m certain that some of my friends would feel the same way about me but I live so far away from them that it isn’t obvious. I think we’ve all had a friend or two who has actually lost themselves in a guy. The girl who threw everything else away to date the jerk. The difference is, this is your husband. I can see girls doing a little boyfriend bashing but it shocks me that they would say these things about your obviously permanent relationship. Crazy town.

  • Rachel Silski

    Since I got married 4 years ago, I have went through this with friends and I am will always choose my husband over my friends. My husband is my life partner, my rock, my everything. Friends, unfortunaly come and go but your husband is who is there for you through it all!

    Don’t let anyone get you down! xoxo

  • http://www.therandomwritings.com/ Rachel G

    I’ve never really had to be in such a situation, but I do make it known that my husband is a priority. I mean, to me, obviously spouse comes before friends. I would be hurt if my husband chose to side with his friends over me? That sounds pretty crazy.

  • http://thequixoticchica.blogspot.com/ Sarah // The Quixotic Chica

    That is such a terrible situation!! Friends are allowed to express concern if they truly believe that you are unhappy/being controlled/whatever, but it sounds like these women were just being attacking and mean-spirited. How awful! Marriage *goes* change friendships, as your partner *should* come first, but that’s only natural. People have to adjust accordingly and be mature. If someone feels left out, then he/she needs to communicate that in a respectful manner and maybe find new ways to keep the friendship alive. Friendship shouldn’t be about drinking and partying on the weekends– it should be about supporting each other and enjoying time spent together, whether it’s happy hour, yoga, or a phone call.

  • a_nicklin

    Gosh I can relate to this post in so many ways. I was the first of my friends to get married and my husband and I both realized that we lost about half of our friends after that. Once we had our first baby another big chunk of friends were gone. It’s tough to balance everything but I know that I was supportive of my friends and was shocked to find that they weren’t supportive of me after being married. It doesn’t seem like it should be so hard to have a family and friends. I really feel for you and what you are going through, I think at some point all married women have been there. :(

  • http://jackiejade.blogspot.com/ jackie jade

    that’s so awful your friends made you feel like this! wow. people definitely change when they are in a relationship or get married but that shouldn’t be a bad thing. we all grow and change in different ways. and I think it’s probably a good thing (actually a great thing) that you love spending time with your husband! so sorry that your friends weren’t supportive of that. hopefully they’ll get better or you will find more supportive friends!
    — jackie @ jade and oak

  • Katie @ A Beautiful Little Adv

    Thank you for writing this! Sadly, I can totally relate. I got married about 8 months ago and while most of my friends are totally understanding, I have a few single ones that think I’m throwing away my life and that I’m not the same person. Yes, I have different values than when the highlight of my week was buying a new dress and getting drunk with girl friends. Yes, I’ve grown up and have “settled down” but I’m happy. This is what I’ve always wanted out of life – a growing family, a support system, a best friend I can come home to every day. I’m still the same person at heart and I still love my friends. But, I refuse to be bullied for being happy. I’m so sorry that you had to say goodbye to these mean mean friends. I hope you can find a good balance with other girlfriends soon. Those mean ones are NOT worth your time.

  • Betsy

    Those are not good friends! Good friends should support you and how you roll with your husband. I personally think it’s ok to vent about your husband (sometimes you just need to!) but a friend who uses that against isn’t a friend to either of you. I personally put my closest friends and family on the same level, yes he is my husband but two of my best friends we’ve been friends for 12 & 10 years (which is twice as long as I’ve known my husband!). Good friends and good husbands know how the balance of things work so you can have the best of both worlds : )

  • http://danceanthak.blogspot.com Erinn C. D.

    Man, what a tough situation. It’s hard for some people to understand that no matter what you say, marriage changes you. It changes priorities, things you do or don’t enjoy and the people you like to do certain things with. I’ve worked really hard to maintain my friendships but they had to work too. There were some growing pains but now Chris is family to those people who put in the equal work he did to find a place in their lives. But it would’ve never turned out like it did if they hadn’t have given him a chance despite their initial judgements. Sounds like those “friends” weren’t willing to do the work or give you a chance to feel like the effort from you would be appreciated. Lots of hugs and hoping for better friendship for you and your husband in the new year <3

  • http://catchingcodyk.blogspot.com/ Cody Doll

    I so understand this. I was/am this girl to. Because I always had a bf and was seriously committed to that man (looking for marriage) my “friends” made me feel miserable for it, with comments like “or she has her man” or “because she’s with him”. I got to the point where I realized these are not friends. If they can understand or talk to me like a human then I don’t want to be near them. So I am not friends with them. I want friends that build me up, I want friends that encourage, I want friends that are able to express they dont understand and vise versa. And currently that person is my man so what? Yeah I understand. Hope everything turns out okay.

  • http://www.theflorkens.com/ KateAdam Florken

    When Adam and I were engaged, I also made the mistake of sometimes venting about our relationship… but I did so to my mom. Also a HUGE mistake. When we went shopping for my wedding dress, I told the sales associate that I wanted strapless with a sweetheart neckline. My mom asked why I was so dead-set on those things, and I responded, “Because I like them and I know Adam does too.” That was some sort of final straw for her. Like your friends, she sort of blew up on me and accused me of being “controlled” by my future spouse. She said that she worried that the marriage would be a mistake because I obviously could not think for myself.

    It really took me by surprise considering that my entire life my mom has called me her “independent thinker.” Heck — I didn’t even take Adam’s last name when we got married and she knew those plans and yet I was being “controlled.”

    After being super offended, I sat and really thought about it and realized that my innocent “venting” was the root of the problem. Now that we’re married, if I have an issue with Adam, I don’t vent to family or friends. I use that “angry” time to be introspective and then when the moment is right, I just talk it out with my husband.

    So longest comment in the world — but in short, I’ve been there and I support your decision not to “vent” to friends.


  • The Samantha Daily

    I have friends who do this same thing to me since they are not in relationships they try to bring me down for being happy. It is sad that people we call our friends bring us down like this.

    Jealousy is all it really is.

    Love your blog, now following along!

  • http://thesensiblestyle.com/ Amanda Irel

    I totally understand where you’re coming from. Good for you! Best wishes for 2014.

  • Jules

    These girls are not your friends, they are toxic women. Sometimes we have people in our lives at the time for a specific reason and I am sure they were there for whatever reasons in the beginning, but you have grown, you have realized what is important and these woman will do nothing but bring negativity to your life. Let them go. Find friends who love and accept you for who you are, not for who they want you to be.

  • http://anothercleanslate.com/ Kate @ Another Clean Slate

    Oh Rachel. I’ve been (and am) in this place too. It’s not fun but it’s definitely a lesson I think most people learn- to have one or two great friends is better than having many so-so friends. And positivity “alone” is better than negativity with others. Here’s to your 2014!

  • http://heleneinbetween.com/ Helene

    oh that is so tough, but I agree with you, you have to surround yourself with positive people and those people do not sound like it. sounds like you handled it the right way!

  • http://www.freeborboleta.com/ Fran

    Oh, dude. I SO know this feeling. My situation was/is different but change a couple of details in this and I could write the same exact post about one of my ‘best friend’. My relationship with my husband is a top priority to me and I don’t think people that aren’t married realized how the dynamics change, etc. I’m sorry you had to go through that!

  • http://www.sixbougiesblog.com/ Kim

    I have been on both sides of this dynamic… and so I can empathize with both! To be put down for your life choices, priorities, and chosen career path is hurtful and unsupportive. While it sounds like you do make significant effort for your friends, these critiques may still be symptomatic of them FEELING like you’ve checked out as a friend. Though their perspective isn’t necessarily fair, the issue might be resolvable with more honest communication. Obviously your husband is your number one priority (I’m not even married and I would just assume that!) – but making your friends feel important and valued, and not like its a “choice” between the two can go a long way.

    I really did struggle when my bestfriend’s priorities shifted to her fiancé, even though rationally I understood it was life’s natural course. After the haze of obsession lifted, she made an effort to make our friendship feel special in its own right and this helped me adjust and grow more understanding of her priorities as well. Now, I try to balance my relationship and friendships in a similar way – I don’t compare the two, but I definitely nurture both. It sounds like you do too… so if the toxicity continues, there is no use in feeding negativity! Good luck :)

  • http://shannonthemrs.blogspot.de/ Shannon

    It’s sad, but some people just can’t control their jealousy. Instead of being happy for someone, they lash out. I think you did the right thing-you should protect your marriage like a precious thing, and if all they do is bring you down, you’re better without. Stay strong, girl, you deserve better!

  • Rachel Murphree

    That is sad. True friends understand that we change as we move through different stages of our lives, and they’re clearly projecting insecurities of their own on to you. I am sorry that you had to go through that, but at least you have an awesome husband to help you through these times.

  • http://www.petiteramblings.com/ Kelly Louise

    this enrages me to no end. i have been there! sometimes we learn that somebody is not a friend and really never was. i have been attacked and hated for being happy as well. it’s beyond confusing! like, aren’t you supposed to be happy for me? instead they are mean, cruel, and envious. it’s really what it comes down to, they envy you and your happiness. misery loves company, right?
    i’ve had this happen to me a few times, even recently, which is why my twitter is unfortunately private right now. just to keep her out. i can’t express myself and happiness where she can view it without her calling me a fake and a fraud. sorry that i used to be unhappy like you and i’m not now and you can’t handle it. ugh.
    people are mean Rachel, they are mean and twisted and jealous. and although the realization of these “friends” sucks, you are much much much better off without the nonsense. you are gonna feel a huge weight lifted off you when this all passes. :)

  • http://likeordinarylife.com/ Tina Byland

    I can relate. I have a few bridesmaids I can’t really talk to anymore because they aren’t at the same spot in their lives, and so, when I want to bring something up, they don’t understand. Also, they are jealous. We all want someone by our side, a best friend that we share a bed with. And, at the end of the day, you just have your family. That’s why we marry, right? To start a family of our own?

  • Jamie

    Unfortunately, I’ve lost some friendships for similar reasons & we’re not even married yet, just engaged. I will say that it worked out in the end because my closest friends are ones who are married and have kids, so they fully understand when I choose to stay home & I do the same for them. I think everyone does things differently, but when someone isn’t in a long term relationship/marriage, they don’t understand that really, your life ISN’T your own anymore. You’ve joined forces with someone else. The way you spend your nights & weekends changes. That’s not weird, in my opinion it’s weird when someone is married or in a relationship & chooses to go out all the time without their significant other.

    Thank you for sharing! :)

    Jamie @
    The Growing Up Diaries

  • heatherbquinn

    I’m sorry that your friends put you in this situation – it doesn’t sound like they tried to see things from your perspective at all. When I was a newlywed I really struggled to make time for my friends, but true friends will understand that marriage is a big step and it takes work and time to find a good balance.

  • http://southernbelle23.blogspot.com/ Whitney

    I can understand how difficult that could have been.

    I don’t know if I would have been able to hold my tongue or not, if they had been degrading me the entire trip. You just have to remember that people are always going to be negative and put down others. When they do that, it is obvious that something is missing in their life and that they feel inferior about it.

    Like I said that changes and circumstances change over time. Heck, people change and priorities change. If they couldn’t go along with that change with you than good riddance to them! Friends are supposed to be supportive and they sound to be anything but that.

    Plus, whoop-de-doo about an advancing career. Not everyone wants a ” traditional career” or to work for someone else. A career doesn’t define you. I mean, cool if a career is your desire but it isn’t the end all be all. But hey, you DO have a career. PHOTOGRAPHY. I guess I’m going back to the “everyone has different priorities” thing. Having a career is NOT superior to having a marriage or family.

    I have single friends that I hang out with by myself (we hang out at their house) and my husband hangs out with them too at times. They understand that I’m not going to hang out with them every weekend, because I am married and they know that I want to spend time alone with him. It’s just common sense.

  • http://bybreenah.blogspot.com/ Breenah

    Some people will find ANYTHING to put others down if they don’t feel like they’re #1 anymore. I’m glad you seem like you’ll be able to make next year an awesome year. <3

  • http://www.noorsplace.com/ Noor Unnahar

    I can’t see any single reason for them to rant over it , instead if you had a great relationship with your husband , it was such a great thing to cheer . I’m glad you took the right decision . People can talk the talk , that’s it.

  • Nikki

    I had a friend do the same thing. It’s different. I like the occasional girls night and things but my favorite person in the world is my husband, and I’d rather be with him than anyone else. i don’t think it make us bad people or bad friends. Good for you for picking your marriage!

  • Steph

    I am single and in my 20s and most of my friends are married. Let me let you in on a secret – your friends’ comments are stemming from jealousy. They are jealous because you have found “the one” and are happily married, and they have not. I say this because I am in that position now. I am so happy for my friends that are married, but at the same time, it reminds me yet again that I am still single, which brings about my insecurities, and it sucks. Also, when a friend of mine gets married, they go from being my best friend to their husband’s best friend, which is a hard transition and it takes time. What your friends said should not have been said to you, and I don’t agree with their actions and how they handled it, but I just wanted to give you some insight as to where those comments were coming from.

  • Kerry

    It is so sad that others can’t be happy for you rather than try to tear you down. I think it is so important to be surrounded by positive people that empower you and not ones who try to drag you down. Hope that you find peace with your decision to let them go.

  • http://kcsaling.com/ KC Saling

    I find it so ironic that we can fight all day so that women can choose to work, but the moment a woman chooses love and a home life over a career, we bash her! That’s just unacceptable to me. Freedom means having the right to choose the life you want, whoever and whatever you are. Glad that you have bravely made the choice that makes you happy, and so sorry that these “friends” can’t appreciate it.

  • http://www.pinchoflyss.blogspot.com/ Alyssa Dillon

    Thank you for being so vulnerable about your relationship as well as your friendships. I am young (20) and am in a seriously relationship on the road to marriage. I am excited about that, but being so young I am so nervous to see how my single friendships work.
    It is such a shame your friends channeled their jealousy into passive aggressiveness.
    I will definitely be looking to you and your relationship more. Please continue to post more real posts like this telling about your relationship and life. They make my day!


  • http://www.tossingthescript.com/ Rachel Sedaker

    So, after reading a bunch of comments, I’ve come to this conclusion: so many books are written about how to have a successful romantic relationship, but there is so little talk about what goes into a successful friendship. As a (newly) single person, and as someone who has seen many friends (including sister/best friend) get married, I can see that perhaps your friends were hurt and confused by the changed dynamic of your friendship. Everyone has expectations in a relationship (be it romantic or platonic), but so rarely does anyone define their expectations in friendship. our needs and expectations are clearly different that those of your former friends- and that is ok. I will go out on a limb and say that nobody is wrong here (though attacking someone is mean, and I know how awful that is- I’ve experienced it much of my life). Sadly, it looks like you guys needed an event as bad as this to make you realize that you have different needs from a friendship, and perhaps that it’s time to end yours. I had a hard time when my sister first got married, and still get frustrated that we never have one-on-one time (it’s always one-on-two now thanks to her toddler, whom I adore). She seems to want more time with me now, but always on her schedule (when husband has plans), and as a single person that can feel like “hey, you’re single so you have absolutely nothing else going on in your life that could be taking any of your time so you’re totally free to base your schedule around mine.” But our relationship will continue to evolve, especially if a second kid comes along (did I mention she’s a stay-at-home mom, and it’s more than a full-time job, and I completely respect her decision there).

    I hope for you that you can find friends who are in a similar place in life as you, friends that can give you what you need, and who will understand (or at the very least, respect) your choices. Again, there is no handbook on this, even though everyone is saying “true friends” do this or that. That’s simply not how life works. All we can do is make ourselves vulnerable and hope that others will treat us with care.

  • Jessa Olson

    I know exactly how you are feeling. I had this happen a few weeks ago too with all my friends. I think as you get older the focus of the friendship change. I love that I have such a great relationship with my husband and he is literally my best friend.

  • Andrea Darst

    I just wanted to tell you that I completely identify with what you’ve shared in this post. I got together with my husband when I was 19 and his 2 kids from a previous marriage came to live with us two short months later. My friends would call me up and ask me to come out and I’d say we have the kids and they’d say “they’re not your kids” as if that made it not only ok but acceptable to just go party and leave my man at home. Honestly, my husband is my best friend, the person I trust most in this world, and the first person I want to tell about anything that has happened in my day. Now my friends are married themselves (one is divorced) and have their own kids and our kids are older, and they constantly go out without their spouses and want us to do the same, and we don’t get to see each other as much during the week so if we do get free time, we want to spend it together, not out without each other. I totally understand what you mean, and each marriage is only successful if the two people in it are the ones making the decisions for it, not anyone else.

  • http://www.vintage1973.me/ Regina @ Vintage 1973

    Thanks for sharing. A rough lesson to learn but so glad that you did and shared it here.

  • http://www.aventurasdemariposas.blogspot.com/ Lisa

    It’s unfortunate because girlfriends are suppose to be there for each other…I’ve been in a similar situation where people who I thought were friends acted in a way that was very different than how I had grown. It was disappointing but I kind of cut them out of my life. And for the record, you’re extremely brave for going through the changes, adventures, and all! What a blessing to have a partner you love to be with :)

  • http://www.themarriedme.com/ Whitney Morris

    I think when it comes down to venting to your friends you have to know what kind of personality your friends have. Do they take things super literally or do they take it with a grain of salt just to be the friend to lend an ear. I think its also important to balance your complaints with sharing the sweet things he does to show that he isn’t a total pig. I know that your friends are single so that is the problem, but I think venting to married friends can be more helpful since they understand some of the little frustrations that can come when you are married.

    I have totally revamped my friends this past year. My maid of honor and ex-best friend got married last December and honestly that was the nail in the coffin. (I don’t particularly like her husband and our husbands have nothing in common). But after her wedding I haven’t seen her in person since. I’ve barely talked to her. She moved an hour and a half away and alienated herself. I was always the one calling, texting, facebook messaging. I got sick of stringing things along. My husband and I now have couple friends which is truly where it is at when you are married. We have one couple that we always invite to do things and it works well because we are all friends equally. Last transition to maneuver is the part where we both start our families. If we can make it through that I think we will be friends for life.

  • http://eatseedoblog.com/ Anna

    You rant to one friend, because you think that’s what friends are for, they talk about it with their friend, they gossip, they decide that they know ALL about your relationship from this and they discuss it between themselves and they think they’re helping you because they know better than you, of course. I’ve heard this too many times. People making me their judgements about other people’s relationships, other people’s careers, and thinking they know better. The only things I’ve learnt from that is not to tell people (particularly mothers!) and not to make the same mistake of judging people by my standards either. Thanks for sharing this post Rachel and you are absolutely right to surround yourself with positivity and just be you.

  • http://busyburt.blogspot.com/ Charlotte B

    So true. Love this post. It’s always scary writing what you truly believe and I admire you for that.

    I hope you had a lovely Christmas. Best wishes from Spain.


  • http://www.creatricemondial.com/ Amy Lynne Hayes

    This is an interesting discussion here. I think it truly depends on the personalities of the individuals, and the couple in question. I have many many friends who are in serious relationships or married (I always fly solo) and I can’t say I’ve “lost” any friends to the marriage bug. Often, I become friends with their significant other as well, and we all have a fabulous time. As an very independent person, I tend to connect best with other independent people, whether they are in a relationship or not. For me, losing friends has been less about relationship status and more about moving to different stages and different directions in life, in general. Finding people who respect your identity (and your identity might just be as part of a couple) is the most important, and those people won’t judge you based on your own life decisions.

  • Brianna

    Ah I love you so much for this! This made me so happy because I can completely relate. I’m not married, but I’m in a really serious relationship. It’s long distance, so I’m not always with him, but so many things have changed since I started dating him. I’ve matured so much, and my friends don’t understand that. They always pester me about not going out to frat parties with them every weekend, and they don’t understand why I put so much effort and care into my relationship. I know that its just because they aren’t very mature sometimes and don’t understand because they’ve never been in a serious relationship, but I always choose him first. Whoa sorry for the rant haha but I really loved this post Rachel!

  • http://www.diariesofanessexgirl.com/ Kate Hall

    Oh wow Rachel, that is really awful.
    I’ve had a similar thing with my best friend lately who complains I don’t like going out drinking with her now because I am with Dan. But why do I want to go to a bar and help her pick up guys all evening? Even before I was engaged, I didn’t enjoy it… It’s like a meat markets! Great when you are single but not so great to be the awkward ‘taken’ (read: boring) friend.

    I am so sorry you had to take that from your friends, I really hope in 2014 this can be remedied.

  • http://www.jade-moat.com/ Jade Moat

    I just want to grab you and give you a big old hug because I’ve been there, done that & bought the t-shirt. I was one of the first in my group to get married although I’m the only one that ever moved outside of our little city and let me tell you – the snide asides & ignored phone calls & everything else? It’s all jealousy. I will always put my husband first, he supported me through a rather nasty bout of depression & he looks after me, warts & all. Why wouldn’t I put him first? That’s why we married each other, right?!

  • http://www.jessicalynnwrites.com/ jessica lynn

    As a military wife who moved to Georgia shortly after she got married, and then moved overseas a couple years later (now we’re back again), I absolutely get this. I lost some friends in the process and it still hurts and feels just…weird. They were all single and partied and just didn’t understand my new life and how different it was and how much I loved it. I’m still trying to come to terms with not having them in my life anymore. Honestly, it felt like a death after the blowout we had…I cried for days over “losing” them. In the end, though, my family—my husband and daughter—are what matter to me. I need to count my blessings for them and the other friends I meet along my journey (or that’s what I keep telling myself). I’ve been wanting to blog about this for awhile, but I think it’s too fresh and I don’t want to stir things up with them again quite yet.

  • Kristen @ Treats and Travels

    I meant to comment and applaud you on this post the other day when I first read it, but clearly I forgot, so better late than never. Balancing friends with significant others is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do too, especially once my interests began to change and I wasn’t going out as much anymore. It’s tough for single friends (and sometimes even other friends in relationships- surprisingly), to understand the gradual change in interests and responsibilities. I think its awesome that you reached out to your girl friends, their friendships seemed very important to you and I hope you get a positive response back!!

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  • http://www.littleredpurse.blogspot.com/ Leah S.

    It’s a hard transition for everyone when one friend gets married and the others are left ‘behind’. Each relationship is different but I have found it really hard to continue my past relationships if they don’t accept my husband as well. Your marriage should definitely be the highest priority and it can be hard for others to realize that if they aren’t married. I hope you are able to resolve and get past these hurts and have a positive shift in 2014.

  • Kayla Koroush

    I’ve seen the complaining issue happen with my aunts marriage. She basically fueled dislike towards her husband by complaining about him. I’ve struggled to not do this with my family because I really want them to love him like their own son/brother. Instead I can always call him mom and she shares my real issues which is marriage is hard. Good luck and great post by the way. I’m sorry your friends picked on you. That’s always a disappointment. Especially when it takes you by surprise and your unsure how to react right then.

  • kayleigh maryon

    wow, great post. Your totally right to step back from those friendships if you are feeling like they don’t support you. Everyone deserves to live their lives the way they want to.

  • http://www.thebartlettsabroad.blogspot.com/ Erica @ thebartlettsabroad

    Hey Rachel, I saw this post on your twitter and read it a while ago but only got to it to comment now… it made me so sad cuz I know what you mean!
    (I’ve been on both sides – I was so upset when a friend started dating a guy and she was never around when I wanted to hang out like we used to, but then when I got into a relationship it clicked and I realised what it was like…)
    It’s so tricky and friendships are so fragile. While I’m still in touch with old friends, moving away changed a lot anyway, and I love our “couple-friends” now because they get it!
    Hope you have peace about this whole situation soon!

  • http://www.simplybyserendipity.blogspot.com/ [Hannah] Simply by Serendipity

    Great post!! I don’t think it’s choosing one over the other a much as shifting your priorities, which we all do in life at some point.

  • KPsays

    I don’t understand why we as women don’t support each other. Your “friends” were obviously jealous of you for some reason??? Being an Army brat, I understand the moving around thing. I was a kid then, couldn’t imagine doing it now as an adult (though I would love it!). And I understand sometimes things change when you get married – you don’t go out and party with your friends like when you were single, you aren’t available 24/7 to discuss their latest drama with the new guy they met, etc. I think the true measure of friendship is that no matter how much time you’ve spent “not connected”, when you do get together, you pick up where you left off. We don’t have kids, but I understand when my friends started having babies, and weren’t available for happy hour, or even to have a chat, because they were nursing/exhausted/grumpy adjusting to parenthood. Once they got into the swing, we were back where we belonged. Of course I don’t see them as much as before they were parents, but I understand. Don’t let your feelings get hurt because of people who don’t understand. My hubby is my best friend also, and my friends understand if I want to spend time with him vs going to the beach or a girls weekend. Hang tough my friend! xo

  • http://megantofrancewithlove.blogspot.com/ Megan

    I’ve found this to be hard too, maintaining a close relationship with friends but also making the decision that sometimes your husband just comes first. Many of my friends and I are just in different places in our lives (i.e. I’m the only married one) and sometimes that makes it really hard to connect with them anymore, and them with me. But I guess that’s just how it goes, and in the end I know I’ll always have my true best friend, my husband :)

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  • Rosie

    That’s a really horrible situation to be put in and it’s a shame your friends couldn’t talk to you honestly without being mean to you.

    I think most people up going through something like this at some point in their life. It’s difficult when you feel like you’re ‘losing’ a friend but I guess if they’re real friends you’ll find a way to see each other and keep in touch.

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  • http://www.foodboozeandbaggage.com/ Food Booze & Baggage

    This so hit home and I had a similar experience. I think it is really hard to transition from the single life to married and hang onto the same group. I had made a group of friends when I was single and new to the city and it was too hard for them to accept the changes. After I started seriously dating my now husband I could not go out 3/4 times a week with them and I would not exclude my husband from events we would normally both attend just because they want it to be “girls”only (not a girls dinner or night out but a festival or concert). I think sometimes it stems from being jealous, especially when you feel like you are really making an effort or when they are making snide remarks over things they should be happy for you about.

  • http://batman-news.com Twitty

    I am going through this and I just feel bad about not spending ore time with friends,we are dettaching and it sometimes break my heart.

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  • Victoria J. E.

    It sounds to me they are mirroring their own insecurities onto you. You are happy in your marriage….they are using what you vented about to try to make themselves feel better about not having found that special person yet. Anyone who is married would know those are the common things all woman vent about their husbands. I had a good amount of people do this to me and I have lost some friendships over it and after I stopped going out all of the time (due to having babies). Slowly, my husband and I are making more couple friends. Some of our singles ones are finding people to marry and realizing how it is…which to us is a joy, because we hate to lose them. I have one single friend that I don’t see me ever giving up on and I’m keeping positive she will find someone soon. She’s very understanding though and more like a sister so she’s a good friend about not judging. Real friends won’t rip you to shreds, because you are happy…real friends admit that they are having their own insecurities. Honestly, I have a career(working part time), going to college (full time) for B.S. Biology-Cell/Molecular, happily married, and am having my third baby….for someone to state I don’t have a life or my own goals is ridiculous. Yes, I do everything for the betterment of my families life, but it is the most rewarding and fulfilling thing I have ever done. If someone can’t understand that… then okay, but it’s not my problem….that is their own personal problem. So no one needs to take it out on me and if they do I try to understand where they are coming from and not take it personal. *hugs* and hang in there….it’s okay to love your married life and it’s sound to me you made plenty of time for them. Keep your chin up <3