marriage advice annoys me

Marriage advice annoys me

No really, it does. Sometimes I read certain marriage advice websites and I either shake my head or scream at my laptop — and then Brandon inevitably gets an earful.

I’m not talking about regular “we’re-adorable-newlyweds-and-we-take-lots-of-photos” blogs. I hate sites that post marriage rules for their readers.

Bloggers who tell their readers that their marriage will fail if their significant other has an in-office meeting with the opposite sex, wait for it… alone. Bloggers who keep their marriages “pure” by basically stabbing out their husbands’ eyes before they go on walks around the city — ya know, just in case their spouse might be tempted by some good-looking lady. Bloggers who think they know it all when they’ve only been married for a year.

I mean, my husband has meetings all the time and he has a separate Facebook account. I guess we’ll be getting divorced in a few years. That sucks.

On a serious note, everyone’s relationship is different so don’t be so quick to judge others. And please, don’t post rules for your readers to abide by. These “rules” will most likely make your female audience nervous for no reason whatsoever. And guess what? Not everyone is able to request that their husband have a third-party present during meetings with the opposite sex. That’s unrealistic… and weird.

What happened to having a little faith in your spouse? What happened to trust? Believe me, learning to trust your husband is so much easier (and healthier) than being suspicious 24/7. I’ve been dumped, I’ve been cheated on, I’ve been that nagging girlfriend, and I’ve still learned to be laid back and happy in my marriage. I trust Brandon and he trusts me, therefore we can travel alone, go out alone… and hey, I don’t have to stab out his eyeballs.

Tips for newlyweds and a guide to a happy marriage? That’s cool. Telling your readers that their husbands will probably cheat on them if they don’t follow x, y, z? Get lost.


Filed Under: Lifestyle, Marriage88 Comments
  • Kym @ Travel Babbles

    A to the freaking men, Rachel! I’ll be honest, I’ve searched for marriage advice websites … I’ve never done this whole wife/marriage thing before, lol … but most of the tips are unrealistic to my lifestyle … like I have to be submissive to my husband 24/7, or if we don’t have sex every other day he’s going to leave me. No, just no. What works for one will NOT work for everyone … we all have different lifestyles and backgrounds and families who shaped who we are and how we are in our relationships. Thanks for posting this girly, I like the feisty Rachel ;)

  • Lauren

    You just said everything I’ve been thinking. Thank you for sharing! I’ve been married for almost three years now and I agree, it’s really rather irritating to read all these posts that are “if you don’t do this your marriage will fail” written by women who just returned from their honeymoon. Amen, sister.

  • Madi

    THANK YOU! If you don’t trust your husband, then you actually do have serious marital problems. I’ve had people look at me like I had three heads when I said that Jake was working late, because he was working late. His schedule is not regular, and I knew that going into marriage… however, some women like to tell me that he’s probably enjoying ‘extracurricular’ activities after he gets off work before he comes home. EXCUSE ME?!

    People need to realize that every marriage is different. What works for some may not work for others, that’s the beauty of picking your spouse… pick the one that works for you! Haha! :)

    Oh, Jake and I have different Facebook accounts too, so when we’re divorced because of it, let’s get together for coffee! ;)

    • Rachel

      I cannot believe people have actually said that to you… what the heck?! Brandon travels for work and is at the office late sometimes so I guess he’s cheating too?

      And yes, coffee date when we’re divorced! ;)

  • Stephanie

    OMG I love this. I’m not married, but I hate blogs that post rules for stuff. LIke rules for having a blog – (you shouldn’t do this or this or this or this cause that makes you terrbile but you HAVE to do this) – uh last I checked this was MY blog and I’ll do what I want! And this is YOUR marriage! Everyone is different. Their relationships are different. Their blogs are different. Their kids are different. Their pets are different. Etc. There just shouldn’t be RULES about some things.

  • ToothbrushTravels

    Ok firstly… LOL’ing at your “guess i’ll be getting divorced in a few years. that sucks” comment. Secondly – I completely agree, i mean why would people even get married if they didn’t trust their partner? People don’t give out relationship advice and there’s no need for marriage advice, unless the advice is make time for each other, both for fun and communication. I will never understand women that instil fear into others through their own trust issues!

    Refreshing post!

  • Kelly Louise

    wow I can’t believe people really post crap like that!!

  • LO_TS

    Urgh those websites annoy me too! Even more so when I made the mistake of looking at ADHD forums especially ones about dating (my husbands has ADHD) and there’s all these posts proclaiming how you shouldn’t marry someone who has ADHD because it’ll never ever work – they’ll grow bored, be tempted elsewhere or just some crazy reason. It annoys me how they all tarnish and taint marriages and such in the same way!

  • Helene

    omg love this post. there are no rules! it’s different for everyone. this is my fave “I mean, my husband has meetings all the time and he has a separate Facebook account. I guess we’ll be getting divorced in a few years. That sucks.”

    • Jessa Olson

      That was hilarious. I read this to my hubs and he was like we’ll be joining in that party! :) Have some faith in your husbands.

  • Kate @ Another Clean Slate

    This reminds me of Lee Brice’s song “Don’t Believe Everything You Think.” I guess my boyfriend and i should just break up now- how dare he have his own Facebook account?!

    • Rachel

      You need to create a joint account NOW. Or at least find out his Facebook password so you can snoop.

  • Megan C. Stroup

    A “separate Facebook account”?? Really?? I try not to judge other people’s relationships, but if a woman has a problem with her husband having his own FB account, something tells me SHE’LL be the reason their marriage fails, not him…. Geez Louise people!

    • Rachel

      I guess some couples like having joint accounts, which it totally fine with me, but they shouldn’t go on and on about how someone else’s marriage is going to fail because of separate accounts.

  • Megan G

    It’s amazing how many people become self proclaimed experts both in blogs and real life!

    I really don’t understand the joint Facebook accounts. I feel like they are really annoying and I half the time I can’t tell if the husband or wife wrote the status update.

  • Jenna

    Ugh! Thank you!!! These types of rules kill me… and they also used to make me kinda nervous. Because as I would go through them I would think, well gosh we don’t abide by at least half of these. We MUST be doomed for failure. Every relationship is different, there is no single definition or map for success. Trust seems to be a pretty good start though. I’m going to start with that one :)

    • Rachel

      I would get nervous too after seeing these “rules”. Now I just laugh. And if you’re actually telling readers that their marriages will fail… well, you probably have marital problems yourself.

      I just can’t stand judgmental people!

  • Lix Hewett

    Wow, that – I knew people said these things but I haven’t encountered any advice posts like that, which is a good thing because those bloggers would be the ones getting an earful from me.

  • Mar

    Love this post! And I can definitely relate. My husband plays hockey for a living, so I have to hear about this ALL THE TIME. Just because he goes on road trips, with a bunch of guys, some of whom are single, doesn’t mean they all hire prostitutes to their hotel rooms. First off, my husband can’t afford that (haha) and second, that is the most ridiculous accusation ever! It’s sad that someone, especially a female, would ever suggest that. I am very comfortable in my marriage and my husband and I trust each other. Thanks, but no thanks, for the “advice”. I’m glad you can laugh about it as well.

    • Rachel

      Hahahaha! My husband can’t afford prostitutes either. ;)

  • Jessica

    I love posting marriage advice on my blog, but not “rules”. My posts are more about what I’ve learned while being married / what has worked for us or hasn’t worked for us, etc. I would never feel comfortable telling others what they need to do. It’s not right. Like you said, every relationship is different & what works for others may not work for us. Thanks for being honest. People need to know that it’s ok to share their opinions on the matter, but not expect everyone else to see it the same way :)

    • Rachel

      I think your posts are perfectly fine then! As long as you’re not telling your readers that they’re doing everything wrong and that their marriages will fail, I have no problem with marriage tips.

  • Rebekah Johnson

    Such an honest post! I once saw a blog series posted by women who had been married 1 year … ‘unfollow’. I know that might be harsh but I want advice from someone how has been married 10, 20 or 30 years.

    • Rachel

      Exactly! I want advice from my grandparents… not a couple of twenty year olds who think they’re “experts”.

  • the fussy britches

    Hopefully most people don’t believe everything that they read on the Internet because there is some crazy stuff out there. Unfortunately, I suppose that isn’t always the case.

  • Sarah Libros

    If you don’t trust your husband enough to be alone with another woman or to have his own facebook there are probably other reasons your marriage will fail…

    And you’re absolutely right that it makes no sense for people to set ‘rules’ for a successful marriage. Every relationship is different.

  • Amanda

    I’m absolutely fine with people writing their OWN rules for marriage and what has worked for them. I find it entertaining to read (even if I read it because it seems OMG CRAZY at times). What I don’t like is when people write these posts in a way that makes them seem like their way is the only way! x

  • Brooklyn Jolley

    So true. I often write posts on the things I’m learning in my newlywed of 2 months marriage. But I NEVER try to tell people how to be married. We have seperate facebook accounts. I told him he can get on mine any time but he didn’t even want my password. It’s easier for me to trust him than always wonder if he’s cheating on me. Marriage RULES are stupid. Everyone’s marriage is different. We will never stay awake to keep fighting just so we don’t “go to sleep angry.” Sometimes I need my sleep before I can fight fair, but I’ll never tell people they HAVE to live that way. Such a good honest post.

  • shannon

    best is when the newlyweds giving the advice are like pre-pubescent.

  • Anna

    LOVE this post Rachel. I share your hatred and I actually think most of that advice sounds like a ‘how to totally suck at being in a relationship’ post. Who the hell doesn’t let their significant other have meetings with the opposite sex, do they honestly view their partner as a dog in heat that can’t control himself. Sure, if you want to share what works for you then fine but wow, I know what works for us as a couple but I wouldn’t dreeeeam of turning around and telling people how to live their lives. Though if a friend told me their key to success was stalking their husband I might have a wee word with them.

  • Erinn C. D.

    heyo! Nailed it.

  • Brianna

    I love this. I feel that people who say things like that must have problems in their marriage that are much deeper, but use things like separate Facebook accounts and meetings with the opposite sex as a cover to mask the real problems they have. I know plenty of people who have tons of independence in their marriages, and with dedication and trust, its never a problem.

  • Fran

    YES to all of this. Plus, joint facebook accounts are just weird lol

  • Belle Vierge

    Hahahaha, this is HILARIOUS! I love reading how other couples make things work, partly because it gives insights on the processes of adapting and compromising, which can be applied to any couple. But rules? Nuh-uh. Rules I’ve come across tend to be ultra-conservative and straight out of the 1950s. I won’t be taking my husband’s last name when I get married, and some people have told me that means I’m not committed to the relationship or I’m looking for a way out. Mmkay, whatever!

  • Julie Lynn

    OMG I read those and every single time I throw up a little in my mouth. What kind of alternate planet are they living on??? If it’s a religious thing, then more power to you…but DON’T get up on some damn pedestal and give “lessons” on what you should or shouldn’t do. Some girls take what is said by their favorite bloggers to heart and like you said I am sure they are making some of their female readers nervous by having the audacity to post something so ludicrous. What works for one may not work for another. Want to share your tips on what works for you…fine, but end it there. We have to trust each other. THAT is the foundation for a successful relationship. There are no “RULES”!!! All I can say is…SERIOUSLY????

    Thank you for this!!! I just loved it :)

  • Tenns Reid

    This is exactly why I never give out relationship or marriage advice! Everyone thinks they’re an expert, putting their ideals onto everyone else. I think you nailed in this post, in that I took away that every couple does what works for them. That’s at least how my husband and I are. We don’t put pressure on ourselves or marriage, and we don’t allow others to do so.

  • jackie jade

    wow people actually post that kind of advice? i haven’t read any posts like that but so nuts. i’m not married but have been with my fiance for over 4 years. but i would never feel qualified to give anyone relationship advice.
    — jackie @ jade and oak

  • Kristyn Carlin

    And I totally agree with this! Who is giving out that kind of advice anyways? That is crazy. if you don’t trust each other, then why in the hell did you get married? Isn’t trust the #1 thing that needs to happen in a relationship? Goodness!!

    I love this post!

  • Jamie Hull

    YES. Oh man, if you’re under 50 and have a combined Facebook account with your SO, it’s just weird. I can see older people who struggle and open their first account together, but if you both had accounts and then merge or something else, it’s just weird.

    I’m all for hearing what those who’ve been married for decades have to say and consider what worked for them and what could work for my own marriage. But man, I’d much rather seek that out than all the weird / awkward stuff on Facebook.

  • Lisette

    Well alrighty then. Can we have a coffee date when I’m divorced too? There’s no way in hell I’ll have a joint FB account. Ever.

    You nailed it. It just takes far too much energy to snoop and worry due to a lack of trust. If you don’t trust your spouse, then why’d you marry them?

  • Nicole @ Treasure Tromp

    @travelbabbles:disqus is right – you are feisty today and I like it!
    I don’t like looking at marriage advice BUT I do like hearing from real couples about what works for their relationship. Like little rituals or other romantic things they do. Hard and fast rules are stupid and lame (oops, I’m being mean).

    Also, I almost always unfriend people who do joint facebook accounts. They don’t trust each other so why should I trust them?

  • a_nicklin

    I’m nominating you for best post ever (where do I do that??)! I love hearing stories about how people have been together for 50 years and what keeps their marriage strong but I don’t want advice on how to have a joint FB account so you can “keep tabs” on your husband. Trust — that’s all you need, but then again that’s my opinion and I’m not forcing it on anyone.

  • Kayla @ Sealed With a Kay

    Amen and good for you for writing this out! I agree!

  • Adrienne G.

    I love this. My husband works out of town A LOT, and he sometimes has to work with women – not often because there still aren’t that many women in engineering, but that’s beside the point. The thing is that I trust him when he’s not with me. We trust each other.

    We don’t share Facebook accounts. It annoys me to see people share Facebook accounts like they can’t trust each other. We’ve been married almost ten years. We’ve still got a long way to go, but lack of trust isn’t going to get us there.

  • Whitney

    I seen posts like that before… *gag* It is called trust.

    I’ve known people who wouldn’t let their wife/girlfriend go on overnight trips with their friends, because they were acting “single.” I was like, cue the MAJOR eye roll. This guy had MAJOR control issues. He didn’t even want his wife or girlfriend to have MALE friends, because they would be tempted and that the male friends wanted a relationship with her. He was so close-minded. He was so messed up with his beliefs.

  • Reima

    I agree with you! And I just find that whole couple Facebook thing so odd! I don’t get it!

  • Cece

    I haven’t seen a blog post like that and if I did I’m sure I would hate it as much as you do. For couples who have “Facebook” drama or drama in general over going out and female friends etc. Their problems are way bigger then facebook and I want no part of it. I’ll take trust over that madness any day.

  • Rachel G

    I do think there have to be some ground rules for marriage–that’s why it’s a legal contract that can be broken if you don’t abide by the rules: i.e. no beating up you spouse, and no cheating on them. But, as you say, each couple’s marriage is different and their daily habits are going to be different. My husband is a nurse. 90% of his coworkers are women and simply figuring that 50% of the human population is female, he has a lot of them as his patients, too! If I was going to get all miserable at the thought of my husband interacting with other women…I’d have a sucky life.

    • Bailie @ The Hemborg Wife

      My husband is in nursing school that means like yours 90% of his peers are female and I just look at like a great screening process for him to find me friends! No but seriously he has group projects and papers and all sorts of things where he has to meet up with females and most of them about 10 yrs younger than me and I am fine with it!

      • NickelCityPretty

        I totally hear where you are coming from. My husband is a 4th grade teacher and he’s the only male in the school! Not once have I ever worried about him interacting with the other women…because I TRUST him!

  • Rachel

    Oh those poor husbands of those crazy wives! That’s all I’ll say though because I don’t even have a boyfriend! :) haha

  • Rachel Murphree

    I so, so agree to this. Really, if you have to put restrictions on your husband, my guess is that the marriage isn’t as strong as you think. And one of my biggest pet peeves is when couples share a facebook account. To me it screams trust issues and a troubled marriage.

  • Kaity

    separate Facebook pages means your marriage is in trouble…? where do people come up with these things? honestly, it really annoys me when I see married couple sharing a Facebook and cramming both of their names into their Facebook identity. it just looks stupid. and if you’re sharing, clearly only one person is actually involved, so why not just leave it as a singular identity?

  • ModaMama

    I, being married for almost ten years, have one rule: Stay out of my relationship, and I’ll stay out of yours.

    I too can’t abide when others give me rules, advice, and super than thou mockery vaguely disguised as concern. Especially coming from people not married or those who have been married just a few months. Let’s talk in a decade shall we?

  • Stephanie F

    Yea I hear you. I had someone once (in real life) be totally shocked when I told her that my then-boyfriend (now husband) and I had separate e-mails and DID NOT have each others’ passwords. I was like “what”? Why would I want this password and why would I give him mine? We have to remain individuals in a marriage. I cannot imagine how awful it would be to not trust my husband :( Or have him not trust me :(

  • Hallie Oceanside

    hahahhaha dying. The same facebook sharing KiLLS me. Too much, WAY too much.

  • Ashley Angle

    Preach! xoxo
    ~Ashley @ A Cute Angle

  • Elicia Shepard

    Oh man! Are there really blogs out there with rules for bloggers to follow for successful marriages?! YIKES. That’s a scary thought. I am glad I haven’t stumbled upon them. That’s a strange thought to me because, we are all different! It’s cool to share what works for you, but each marriage is unique.
    Thanks for your honesty. I think a lot of us agree with you :)
    Elicia @lifesajournee

  • Britta

    So much truth in this post! Even though I am not married yet I feel the same way when it comes to the “rules” of long-distance relationships. I always read about how they will 100% fail because of this, this, and this. Not interested in such negative “advice!”

  • Chelsea @ Lost in Travels

    can i just add a person to the list? those people that have been married longer than you and ‘warn’ you that the love you feel will fade with time. i always got the ‘oh just wait till you’ve been married x amount of years…it changes’. oh thanks for that debbie downer. i’d really like to believe that i will always be in love. people need to be uplifting and encouraging in marriage, not warning that if you don’t do it ‘right’ you’re going to end up alone.

  • Julie MRB

    I’ve just found your blog because Chelsea rt it. This post is ace. That’s all. Rules? No thanks!

  • Lindsay @

    UGH YES I LOVE YOU FOR THIS THANK YOU. I feel like a jaded old meanie when I read a blog by someone who has been married a year with all this marriage advice that I follow 0% of. I’ve been with my husband for 11 years. He’s in business meetings all of the time. His boss is a woman. We have different e-mail accounts. OH MY GOODNESS, DOOMED.

    • Rachel

      Your husband has a FEMALE boss? I hope he’s not having private meetings with her!!!

  • Renata

    These marriage rules are right up there with women who condemn other women for not parenting the same way they do. I read blog after blog after blog about how “this” is the best way to be a mother; that if you don’t do things this way you aren’t a good parent. And the condescending tone in their posts makes me cringe.

    • Ace CB – @ Life in Dutch

      That’s exactly what I was thinking. Marriage and parenting “must do” posts are a good way to alienate or negatively influence people that were probably fine on their own.

  • Laura Beth

    Love This. Love You. I’ve been thinking this for some time now. How funny it is how ladies married less than a year think they have it figured out. I’ve only been married now for 13 months and feel like I don’t really know anything about marriage yet haha Thanks for the great post and a few laughs!

  • Nicole Marie

    wait i’m dying there are actually bloggers who write those thing. i need to read these! hahah!

  • Katherine Nolden

    Oh yes! I’m not even married and I look at some of those tips and advice and I jsut shake my head. No thanks, I don’t want that kinda of marriage. I cant stand the joint facebook thing, it really weirds me out….

  • Erica @ thebartlettsabroad

    All I can add is… YES.

  • Sara Louise

    Hear hear! Every relationship is different but bottom line, trust is a must! :)

  • Kristen

    Can’t even imagine coming across an “advice” marriage post like that! Thumbs down to bad advice. By the way, the main reason I commented is to tell you how absolutely adorable your post for this photo is. I love it!

  • Cheryl

    Well, I think these bloggers who are giving out these kind of advices have serious ¨trust issues¨with their better half. I never liked sharing an e-mail address with my husband because I didn´t want to meddle with his business and neither he with mine. We call it personal space and I think every person in a relationship should have it. If you don´t have faith in your partner, what´s the point of marrying him in the first place? ;)

  • lauren

    some of the first insightful “advice” I’ve seen.

  • Melanie Fontaine

    “I mean, my husband has meetings all the time and he has a separate Facebook account. I guess we’ll be getting divorced in a few years. That sucks.” Haha, you’re awesome, Rachel!
    I think that the so-called ‘advice’ is actually more detrimental than anything else – how can you expect you’re relationship to go anywhere if you’re not able to trust each other. If my boyfriend would treat me like that, he probably wouldn’t stay my boyfriend for much longer! Relationships between human beings (doesn’t even have to be a marriage) are complicated: There’s no such thing as a one size fits all formula for eternal happiness.

  • Sarah Shumate

    I don’t read any marriage advice blogs, due to what you’re talking about….and because I find them incredibly boring. But I have met people like this in person – women who “command” their husbands to do or not do certain things. I don’t know about you, but if someone “commands” me not to do something, there’s probably a good chance I’m going to do it anyway just out of spite.

  • Erika

    Your honesty is so refreshing… I love it when you just speak out!

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  • Jessa Olson

    I absolutely LOVE this post! Each marriage is different and has a different story. no judging. i love reading the bloggers who have been married for a year or less and think they are experts on everything. :)

  • Sarah // The Quixotic Chica

    Preach it, girl! Tips and stories are one thing. Rules are another. Every relationship is different, and the idea that there is one set of rules that we must all follow OR ELSE is totally absurd.

  • lisacng @

    Giving advice, ANY advice, that is too specific is just wrong. Fine to share what works for you or whatever, but yea, what works for someone isn’t going to work for someone else. And yea, what ever happened to just good ole trust!

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  • Louisa @ My Family & Abruzzo

    My friend who has never been married or in a long relationship is full of advice (rolls eyes).

  • KPsays

    End of the day, each couple knows what works for them. It is not the same in any couple. The couple that’s been married 5 years and just had a baby are going to be in a different life than me and my husband who’ve been married 16 with no children. Or the couple that each have children from previous relationships, marry, and have their own child. Each relationship is unique, with 2 different people involved. Everyone needs to do what makes their unique coupling work. It’s not a one size fits all. And it is very hard staring married. But, warts and all, I love it 3>

  • KPsays

    Now inspired to do a post from my perspective on marriage! Be on the lookout for it soon :)

  • debby25

    Recently I was extremely low on money and debts were eating me from all sides! That was UNTIL I decided to make money.. on the internet! I went to surveymoneymaker dot net, and started filling in surveys for cash, and surely I’ve been far more able to pay my bills!! I’m so glad, I did this.. – 3aq4

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  • kate_quinn_1

    From someone who is newly engaged, I love this post! I feel like the entire internet is trying to ruin my marriage before it has even happened. We hear about the bad side of marriage all too often, let’s highlight the good and encourage lasting love. Thank you!