I’ve always wanted my blog to be a place of growth, but sometimes it’s difficult for me to put into words what exactly I’m feeling. I initially started this blog as a virtual scrapbook, but also had every intention of holding myself accountable and sadly, that hasn’t happened. Accountable for what, you might ask? Happiness. Plain and simple. Maybe that’s why I envy bloggers who are able to write so freely; they’re brave enough to put themselves out there and I’m not.
I tend to hide behind sarcasm. I make jokes, whether they’re about me or a difficult situation I’m experiencing, and brush things aside. I dislike confrontation and would rather bottle up my emotions. I never ask for help. I’m stubborn. I don’t open up easily and God forbid I ever talk through my problems because that would make me weak. Instead of living in the moment, I overanalyze, problem solve and look at everything with a critical eye. I’m not a glass half full type of girl and I’m afraid I never will be. I feel alone.
I constantly worry about the future — things I cannot control — and my mind becomes my worst enemy. On more than one occasion, this fear that sometimes consumes me has become full-blown anxiety. Instead of allowing life to unfold naturally, I attempt to control anything and everything. Because of loss I’ve experienced in the past, I’m terrified of my body failing me or that my loved ones might not always be here. I’m irrational.
One would think that being self-employed (my blog and being an awesome dog mom, right?!) and no longer having to experience stress at work would rectify the situation, but it hasn’t. At all. Because more time alone means more time to think. Sometimes I want to scream from the top of my lungs and ask myself what the hell is wrong. Sometimes I want to write because once the words start to flow, I feel better. I don’t, though. I guess I’m afraid of letting down my family.
Even though I paste pretty, positive photos and text all over my blog, this is a constant struggle for me. And you should know that. Because we’re all human and everyone has their own problems. And I guess my biggest problem is me…
I want to be real. I want to write and feel better about myself. And even though I still want to document the things that make me happy — I also want to share the things that don’t. And I hope you won’t mind.
Filed Under: Anxiety, Lifestyle