My husband and I decided to buy some organic seeds when we moved into our new home and for a few months, they lived in a small plastic greenhouse in our kitchen. Since the smell of soil disgusts me and for a while our kitchen had a faint aroma of the earthly mix, I’d try and throw them out onto our deck because I’m awesome like that. Every time I attempted this, my husband would insist on it being too cold during the nighttime, and eventually he won the battle of the plants. After a while, our Target seeds sprouted into seedlings and then full-blown plants that were taking up way too much room because I’m a dumbass and planted an excess of seeds in each container. Because of this, we then had to purchase a legit tiered cedar garden that had to be assembled in our yard. Since we’re both so outdoorsy, it was an interesting project.
Our dogs trampled all over the cedar garden a few times per week and then started fertilizing the fruits and vegetables with puppy urine, but the space still turned into a suburban jungle and our stupid plants are thriving.
Where is this story going? We have creepy crawlies all over our backyard and it’s not cool.
Are you familiar with hornworms? They’re freaking disgusting and are currently covering every inch of our plants. And because they munch on leaves and tomatoes all day and night, they’re about four inches long… each. Is this some kind of sick joke?!
Before work this morning, my husband went outside with the dogs and started to trim leaves and branches off of the plants. He didn’t want to touch the critters so this process seemed logical enough, except he ran out of branches to remove since they’re basically building their own little hornworm army.
Because my dear husband was so concerned, I went out during lunch time with a pair of pliers to gently remove the suckers and throw them over the fence. I hate killing any type of living being so I gently cradled each caterpillar/worm monster until the little bastards started flipping shit and squirting bright green juices all over my husband’s tools. I spent the next ten minutes shrieking and swearing, while whipping my hair around because I thought that a wasp was trapped in my tresses. Did I mention that hornworms attract wasps? Fuck me.
Eventually I figured I should retreat back into the house since some of my neighbors witnessed my outburst and I was wearing yoga pants covered with old paint, my husband’s huge tennis shoes, and white zit cream on my cheek. And that is how you make a lasting impression when you move to a new area.
I’m secretly hoping that our HOA informs us that outdoor gardens aren’t allowed so I can burn the jungle down. We don’t plan on using pesticides because avoiding chemicals was the whole reason we wanted to plant our own organic garden, plus our dogs traipse around our yard every day, so we’ll have to continue to use pliers — or collect a bunch of chickens, which probably won’t happen. So burning down the garden sounds like the best solution to me.
Who needs fresh tomatoes and peppers anyway?
+ Image found here because I’m too disgusted to take my own.
Filed Under: Lifestyle